Monday, 14 June 2010

A little time on my own

It is so difficult to admit sometimes that you are just not handling things.  Not coping.  I had told people about me when they asked how I was "not coping very well", my response.  I never asked for help I could not.  I felt that if I did need help I was failing my DH.

  It all went belly up on Saturday and eventually his daughters came and my DH has been away overnight and will be away for today and tonight.  I pick him up for an appointment and we will come home. 
I miss him, he is missing me. 
I just needed to have some sleep, some time to think about nothing else, no one.

But this does not happen.  Even though I slept really well undisturbed sleep so rejuvenating, I have been anxious about how my DH is going.  He is with his daughters who love him dearly, but it is in a strange home, strange bed, expectations are different, he can not sit inside and smoke his pipe.  He is not entirely happy but will stay as he knows how much I need this short break. 

When the girls came to pick him up, I did not want him to go.  I cried and sobbed, in the end he decided it was important for me.  Me time.
I can not say how much I love this man.  How even though I know it is okay for me to have time, how guilty I feel.  For failing him. 
I needed to fall apart, loose the plot before I screamed out for help.
Not the best way to do things.  I hate loosing control, I hate failing at the important things in life.
I know that I have not failed I really do know this.  The feeling at the time is what stops me from asking for help. 
Perhaps in future I can ask for help. 


JOC said...

Aussie, it is a gift to others to allow them to help. I have found in the last few weeks that if I was honest and told my friends how I was feeling it made it easier for them to talk about things, i.e. life and death. Normally, I am like you and don't like to ask as I have always been the friend on the even keel and people have come to me to talk. In fact I took my friend out on my birthday and paid as I know she is very short of money right now. But it was for me that I did this, as I wanted to do something different. She was gracious enough to allow it to happen and we had a wonderful day. It has made things easier, (being away from whats left of my family in the UK)being surrounded with some very good friends. As you said, you are not failing your DH, you're just tired, and I'm not suprised. So try and relax this evening, have some chocolate (I find this always helps!)and trust your friends. They may need your help one day too.
And in answer to your question, yes my sister came to visit on the day that I found about her death. I was aware of her in the armchair next to me and I was able to wish her a good journey, wherever it may lead her.
Thank you for your best wishes.


ps it's perfectly okay to cry when you need to and allows you to "let out" negative energy I think.

Belinda said...

Sweet, Sweet Lady,

Please allow yourself to take care of yourself. This disease you are dealing with as a couple is a marathon not a sprint.

I honestly don't know if this will help you or not as it was an extremely emotional thing for me to read even without it being totally relevant to my situation. There is a wonderful blogger that I came across about 6 months ago that is in the process of writing a detailed reflection on her and her husbands journey with cancer.

She lost her husband to this disease so at this point she is writing about the part of the journey after that but I suspect there would be quite a bit of useful information for you in the earlier material even if you don't want to read her recent posts.

Kind Regards

Debbie said...

I am like you and cannot ask for help either....I just suffer quietly.
I know that it is not good and everyone needs help sometimes......but I just can't ask.
Hope you feel better after your 'you time'

Leanne said...


I am also one that just soldiers on. My heart goes out to you.
Love Leanne

Frogdancer said...

Time on your own is so important.

I went away for 3 days on a craft camp and left my 4 boys to fend for themselves.

I came back to a mountain of laundry, but everyone was alive and the house was still standing. We were all pleased to see each other and my spirit was rejuvenated.

i think you did the right thing.

Aussiemade said...

I can not say how much all your kind words have meant to me. Reassurance that one is not really loosing it, just part of the process is so uplifting.
I have had two wonderful nights sleep and just pottered and fluffed about the house not achieving much but a sense of its really achieving a lot.
My DH is home again now, and boy was the house cold so the fire is roaring we have cups of tea and some amazing cake I made yesterday near us, and we are just happily sitting in our home. sigh
I did eat chocolate Jan..I have fallen for Whitikars fruit and nut..saddly it was on special last

Belinda thankyou for that blog, I will be looking it up tonight. and for your kind words.

It is hard when we cant ask for help, but I am really realising we are not in this alone. :)

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

The others has already said what i feel I can say. You both are going through a tough and terrible time and You need help, no idea to try to take this all by Your selves!

I´ve been like that but I learned that when one needs help, friends are more than willing to help, they want it and perhaps need it too!
Take care now!

The Green Pea said...

Hello Dear One, this is the first time I have read your blog. I pray you will ask God to walk with you. He will never leave you and can comfort your every need. God Bless you and your family. sandi

Jo said...

you didnt fall apart, you asked for help so you could offload, you just choose to offload in private, unlike some. Isnt it great we are all individuals and approach things differently. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit you need space.
We all need some space and time to rejuvenate, and when you are caring for someone this seldom happens when you are with them.