Wednesday, 20 January 2010

A momement in time

 Life has been very busy here, as my DH is not great he has been diagnosed with cancer, and it has spread to his bones.  We only found out as he had a cough which lasted for a few weeks, with a viral infection, so he was on antibiotics.  The course of antibiotics finished and he had pain in his side, GP thought strained ribs or fracture so off for Xray, only to find a growth in his lungs. This was discovered to be Cancer three days before Christmas.  So we have been up and down to Hobart all over the Christmas New Year period for numerous tests, scans, and biopsies, now we know that it can not be operated on, which was an option but having it in his bones makes this null and void.  Chemotherapy is not an option either, for which he is grateful.  So on Tuesday we go back to Hobart and begin talking with a Radiologist oncologist?  He will be having radiation therapy to minimise pain.  We know that this is about managing the symptoms and not a cure.  It has all happened so quickly that it has really taken my breath away.  My DH is my best friend, we have been together for nine years this month.  We have a wonderful lifestyle, our relationship is almost beyond description.  We share many things in common, we talk about everything, we do fight...(I have a temper),  we love each other and tell each other often throughout the day we laugh a lot have fun and enjoy silences too That may be hard for people who know me to  If I am away from home we speak on the phone, every day sometimes more than once.  We have been fortunate that we have been able to be together so much.  I work generally one or two shifts a week.  Which compared to most married couples working 5 days a week means we have spent 3 times as long together so we have actually been together almost 20 years in time.  We are content and feel so rich with all we have especially each other.
He  loves me just as I am, not wanting to change me, well he loves red lipstick, long hair and fringes, me I don't like beards so a good compromise, and red lipstick looks okay on   There is something so amazing about being accepted totally for you, as you are.

I count myself so fortunate to have met him, we are both philosophical about this journey we are taking together now, and with his daughters.  The roller coaster of emotions overwhelm me on a daily sometimes hourly basis. We hide nothing from each other and have said the same to his girls.  That we don't want anyone to feel they have to be strong for us, or for us to be strong for anyone else.  When he holds me in his arms as I sob I feel it is the safest place in all the world.  When I am kissing him, or just hugging him because it is such a lovely thing, it feels so good and safe.  When we sit in our chairs reading or watching TV and his hand reaches out to take mine.  Such great feelings of love togetherness, these have always been part of our relationship because touch and warmth are so important. Communicating is so important, listening to each other is so important.  When I go up to him and just kiss him as he reads or has his cup of tea, ahh what bliss.
We go for a walk everyday, we sit out on our deck watching the eagles, the water, the chooks, have a wonder about the garden and feel so content and appreciative for what we have had, what we have now and our deep abiding love for each other.  We both have a great sense of humour

 If I knew what I know now when we met I would still choose to take this path, with him , as my life has been enriched as he says his has with our relationship.  We continue to experience new things with each other, ie I took him through his first ever automatic car wash a little while that is an exciting

Do I share this with people this very personal journey, or just keep it to ourselves,  a decision not easy.  I feel that some of you have got a feel for my DH through my writing.  It is funny when life is challenging you, and the person you love most in the world.  I guess you can either close down and bear it all alone.  You can wallow in the misery, and fear, or you can take it one day at a time, accepting the emotions that come charging out with no control, knowing that in one day you may sob your heart out, but also laugh heartedly, that you will sit watching the beauty about you sharing it together.  See the love in both of your eyes.  Am I fearful of the road ahead, off course, I am.  However I am also so aware that I have so much more with this wonderful man than many many people ever have.  I am so grateful and appreciative.  There is another way to look at this journey.  We have time and knowledge that so many do not get to share.  My Dh is a lot older than I am, and he has had a life of amazing experiences, and will have more.  It seems to me that sharing having time to share must make this journey easier than if one day he was here and then he was gone.   Have we given up hope, no, we are realistic, grounded and far more aware of how things are than many people.   The radiation may stop the pain, but it will not be aimed at the primary cancer.  We have time, how much is unknown but believe me we have never taken our time together for granted and will not be now.  We are so blessed. 

I will continue to write my blog, and attempt to keep my garden, with some help.  It has got away from me over the last month, amazing how weeds grow without any water! 

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Lifes journey....complete

As I was sitting here this morning, my phone rang and as we are on dial up, I kind of said a few comments as I was booted off the computer and answered the phone.

It was one of our neighbours (our road is a lovely community of caring, loving people), to let us know that her mother, who used to live over the road from us and is in a nursing home, had died contentedly on New Years Eve.  This amazing lady Jean, was 92 she had been an educator, a writer, and a warm and supportive friend to my DH and than to me.  She had spent many years in a wheel chair but was independent as much as possible and she carried a strength about her and knew her mind.  I respected and cared for her greatly.
When I think of all that Jean has seen in her lifetime it takes your breath away. The world has really changed rapidly in the last 92 years.

The night Jean died was New Years Eve,A full moon night a Blue Moon and here in the southern parts of Tasmania we had a lightening storm with both sheet and fork lightening that went on for several hours surpassing the man made New Years Fireworks.  The brightness of the sky from the light  of the moon when the clouds and storm passed was as bright as early morning as she left her earthly body.   We are sad that she is not with us any longer but she is young again, and her spirit, her love and words remain with us. 
We will have her funeral and then have been invited to a celebration of her life.  There is always an edge of saddness for a person who dies, but for such a lady, who lived such an amazing life, we can not mourn but be joyous for all she was!